Supportive Wife

A married couple was celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. The husband asked his wife, “Darling, have you ever cheated on me?” “What a strange question to ask after all these years,” she replied, “but if you must know, yes, I have cheated on you.” The husband was saddened by this

admission but wanted to know when. She replied, “Remember back when we were first married and you wanted to start a business but no bank would give you a loan? And remember how the bank president came to our house in person and signed the papers? Well …” The husband was touched,

“You mean,

BAD DOG

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch whiskey. 

The bartender pours him the drink and says, 

"That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" 

After downing his drink, the guy says, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend." 

"Wow" says the bartender, pouring the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." 

As the man downs his second triple scotch, the bartender asks him, "What did you do?" 

The guy says, "I walked over to my wife, looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to get the hell out." 

The bartender says, "That makes sense -- but what about your best friend?"

The guy says, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said ... 'BAD DOG!'"

Top Ten Signs You Are Addicted to Google

10. Your kids still believe the Googlebot is bringing the Christmas presents.
9. When someone asks “How are you?” you mouse-click in mid-air at them and say “I'm feeling lucky.”
8. You shout at the librarian when she takes more than a tenth of a second to find your book.
7. You just lost a case in court to name your newborn son “Google.”
6. Google is your second-best friend... and you're thinking maybe it should be first.
5. Your Google shirt is losing color.
4. When people talk to you, you try to optimize their keywords.
3. Your last three Sunday family trips have been to the Googleplex.
2. You are convinced “What’s your PageRank?” is a good pick-up line. And the number one sign you are addicted to Google:
1. You are completely clueless without a computer.

Funny Joke- Snail

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. 

A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?" 

Lier-Lier

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Bow-wow!

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!"
The cat ran away.
"What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse.
"Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

Broken Finger

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

Cross Examination

A lawyer is cross-examining a doctor on the stand about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.
"No," the doctor said, "I did not check his pulse."
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.
"No, I did not," said the doctor.
"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."
The doctor, having enough of the lawyer's redicule, stated, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere."

Is this 555-1234

A man calls home, and the maid answers.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."
He says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

Computer Geek

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk.  'Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.'  The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.
The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess.
Just kiss me and I will be yours.'  The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.
The frog is really frustrated.  'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me?
I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.'
The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls.
But a talking frog is cool!'

Funny Quotes

I was so ugly when i was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
-Henny Youngman

When i went to college, my parents threw a going party for me, accourding to the letter.
-Emo Philips

I always look for a women, who has a tattoo. I see a women with a tattoo and i'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
-Richard Jeni

Blonde Joke

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like there's a cop behind us!!!"
The brunette then asked:  "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again and said....

"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."

Cowboy goes into the bar

A cowboy goes into a bar after riding his horse into a new town.
Unfortunately, the locals have a habit of picking on strangers. When he finishes his drink, he finds that his horse has been stolen. He goes back into the bar, flips his gun in the air, and catches it above his head without even looking, and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?” he yells with surprising forcefulness. No one answers. “All right, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my hoss ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna

Shy Guy and a Women

A painfully shy guy went into a bar and saw a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally went over to her and asked tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while. I’m pretty lonely.” She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs,
“No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone stared at them and the guy was thoroughly embarrassed.

Funny One Liners

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

More Funny One Liners

Happy Birthday to me! :)

Real Father

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Pamela, a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to
say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.'
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated

The Boss

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:
"The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why, does the parrot cost so much" asks the first man.
The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to speak English".
The man then asks about the next parrot

Man and God

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.
He looked up and asked God, "Why did you make my wife so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"

The Earring

Morris is at park one day when he notices that his  co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his  co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is  curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." "Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring." Says Joe sheepishly. "No really," probes Morris,
"How long have you been wearing one?"
... "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Lost at Sea

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the Captain sent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
  
Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax from the boat

Husband and Wife

Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"

A Deal

A young man had just acquired his learner’s permit and wanted to borrow the family car. His father says, “I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll let you borrow the car if you keep your grades up, study your Bible, and cut your hair.”
A month later the son comes back and says, “Dad, I’m doing great in all my classes and reading the Bible every night. Can I borrow the car?” “But you haven’t cut your hair,” his father replies. The son pauses for a moment, “I’ve been thinking about this and Noah had long hair and so did Moses,
Samson, David, and Absalom. Even Jesus had long hair.” His father answered, “You’re right. And they walked everywhere they went.”

Can't Sleep

A worried new mother went to the psychiatrist. “Doctor,” she said, “Ever since I had the baby I can’t sleep at night. When I’m in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won’t hear the baby if he falls out of the crib. What should I do?” “That’s easy,” the doctor replied, “Just remove the carpet from the floor.”

Stupid Celebrity Quotes

“If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.” — Cyndi Lauper
“I’d rather be dead than singing Satisfaction when I’m forty-five.” — Mick Jagger
“It’s not that I dislike many people. It’s just that I don’t like many people.” — Bryant Gumbel
“I look at [modeling] as something I’m doing for black people in general.” — model Naomi Campbell

more quotes

At a Funeral

At a funeral, a guy punches the deceased in the nose. When another mourner asked, “Why in the world did you do that?” the guy replied, “Because he hit me first.”

How do you know?

For their first anniversary, a man bought his young wife a cell phone. She was thrilled and listened eagerly as he explained all its features. The next day she was out shopping when the phone rang.
Hey, darling, he husband said. How do you like your new phone?
Oh, I just love it! she gushed. It's so cute and small and your voice sounds so clear. But there's just one thing I donít understand.
What's that?
How did you know I was at the sari shop?

Doctor and a Patient-2

A patient complains to a famous psychologist: Doctor, I've been having terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me.
Doctor: Who's been treating you until now?
Patient: Dr  T. Kumar.
Doctor: I see. He's an idiot. I'm curious to know what he advised you to do.
Patient: To come and see you.

Dinosaur Age?

An accountant is visiting a natural history museum and looking at a dinosaur skeleton. “You know,” he says to his neighbor, “that dinosaur is 75 million 6 months old.” “How can you be so precise?” “Well,” the accountant replies, “the last time I was there the guide said it was 75 million years old, and that was 6 months ago.”

Miscellaneous Short Jokes

A person doing self SWOT analysis:
Strength is my wife; weakness is my neighbor’s wife; opportunity is when my neighbor is on tour; threat is when I am on tour.

Something to ponder over seriously.
Never question your wife’s judgment…look whom she married.

Signboard in government office
In the corridor of a government office in India was a signboard reading “Don’t make a noise.” Someone added the following words: “Otherwise we may wake up.”

Man meeting father after engagement

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, “I’ve found a woman just like mother!”
His father replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”

How To Speak Chinese? - Part 2

Joke: How To Speak Chinese


That's not right?..........................Sum Ting Wong
See me ASAP?..........................Kum Hia
Stupid Man.................................Dum Fuk
Did you go to the beach?.............Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped the coffee table.............Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift............Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here....................Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet.........Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone..............No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week....Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight.....................Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile........Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive.........Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great.........................................Fa Kin Su Pah

How To Speak Chinese?

How To Speak Chinese?

Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?
Stupid man........................................Dum Gai
Small horse.......................................Tai Ni Po Ni

Three Drunks

Three drunks are staggering down the street. One suddenly stops and says, “I’m the President of the United States!” His companions say, “Oh, yeah? Prove it!” and he quiets down. A few minutes later the second drunk stops and says, “I’m the King of England!” His companions say, “Oh, yeah? Prove it!” and he, too, quiets down. A few more minutes pass by and the third drunk shouts out, “I’m God!” His companions say, “Oh, yeah? Prove it!” He responds, “OK, I will.” So he leads them into the next bar and staggers in. When the bartender sees him, he says, “Oh, God, you again.”

Lawyer

A young boy asked his lawyer father, “Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?” The father thought for a moment, “Yes, son. Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”

Dean and an Angel

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his selfless and commendable behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of endless wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean
selects endless wisdom. “Made!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who stands surrounded by a faint circle of light. One of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.” The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”

The Painter

A guy was hired to paint the line down the center of the road. The first day he managed to paint two miles, and his boss was very pleased. The next day he painted only 200 yards, but his boss thought he’d probably worked too hard the first day and needed to take it easier the second day. But on the third day he was only able to paint twenty feet. The boss called him into the office and demanded an explanation. The guy replied, “Well, you see it’s getting so darned far to walk all the way back to the paint bucket.”

Reasoning

A guy goes into a café, orders a pastry, and sits down. A few seconds later he brings the pastry back to the counter and asks to exchange it for a glass of liqueur. The proprietor agrees, the man goes back to his seat, slowly finishes his drink, and gets up to leave. “Hey,” says the proprietor, “you can’t leave until you pay for your drink.” “But I exchanged my pastry for it.”
“You didn’t pay for the pastry, either.”
 “But I hadn’t eaten it.”

Two Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t appear to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator. “My friend is dead! What can I do!?” In a calm soothing voice, the operator replies, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure that he’s dead.” There is silence then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “OK, now what?”

Humorous Use Of Amphiboly-3

Amphiboly in Jokes

A doctor said to his patient, “I can’t find the cause of your illness,” then paused thoughtfully and added, “but frankly I think it’s due to drinking.”
“That’s OK,” replied the patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober.”

Humorous Use Of Amphiboly-2

Newspaper Advertisement
“Dog for sale: eats anything, fond of children.”
“Drop-leaf table: The leaves when opened will seat six people comfortably and there’s an automatic hinge that holds them firmly in place.”

Humorous Use Of Amphiboly* -1

Newspaper Headlines

“Prostitutes Appeal to Pope”
“Farmer Bill Dies in House” –
“Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors”
“Burglar Gets Nine Months in Violin Case”
“Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant”
“Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge”
“Marijuana Issues Sent to a Joint Committee”
“Two Convicts Evade Noose: Jury Hung.”

*Amphiboly : A sentence whose grammatical structure permits different interpretations

Young girl buying Love Cards

Young college girl at the local greetings cards store.
Girl: Do you have any sentimental Love cards?
Shopkeeper: How about this card, it says: To the only boy I ever loved.
Girl: Great! I want 10 of them.

Son of the Victim

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road. Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there
was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties, but couldn’t get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouted loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.” The crowd

made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Three Blonds

Three blonds were in a lift, suddenly the lift comes to a halt and the lights go out. First they try and call for help by using their mobile phones… but no luck. The phone's have no signal.
After a couple of hours being stuck with no sign of help, one blond says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by shouting together."
The others agree, and they take a deep breath and begin to shout "Together, together, together."

FIFA world cup 2010

 FIFA World Cup 2010 has proceeded exactly as World War II.

The French had given up early,

Italians, despite having power, backed out without contributing.

Americans, like always, over-rated themselves and the

British were left alone to fight with the Germans.

Funny Quotes-4

George Bush. "I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."

Sean Connery: “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says: ‘My God, you’re right! -- I never would’ve thought of that!”

Oscar Wilde: “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”

Funny Quotes-3

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
-Mark Twain
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
-Mark Twain
Arthur: "It's at times like this I wish I'd listened to my mother." Ford : "Why, what did she say?" Arthur: "I don't know, I never listened."
-Douglas Adams
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought---particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
-Woody Allen
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it."
-Steven Wright
I accidentally shot my father-in-law while deer hunting. It was an honest mistake. I came out of the tent in the morning and thought I saw a deer in an orange vest making coffee.
-Steven Wright
Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!
-William Safire