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Funny One Liners- Short Jokes

 One Liners

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
 If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
 I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
 If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
 Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
 I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
 God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
 Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
 It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
 Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
 I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
 A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
 My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
 I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
 Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
 We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
 You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
 I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
 A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
 Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
 Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
 There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
 I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
 Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
 Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
 I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
 If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
 I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
 When in doubt, mumble.
 I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
 A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
 Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
 Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
 Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
 If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
 If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

Bumper Stickers we'd like to see: 

  • He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. 
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. 
  • A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers. 
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 
  • When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 
  • Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. 
  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 
  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe 
  • He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. 
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 
  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet. 
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 
  • Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. 
  • It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. 
  • Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 
  • The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 
  • It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. 
  • You can't have everything, where would you put it? 
  • Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. 
  • The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. 
  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 
  • It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 
  • Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 
  • I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. 
  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak 

fresh batch of short jokes.

Bacteria: the back entrance to a cafeteria.
Buoyant: male equivalent of gallant.
Dogma: the mother of puppies.
Ultimate: the last person to marry.
Vice versa: dirty poems.
New Virus Outbreaks
Beware of new virus outbreaks on computers everywhere, such as...
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by c:>
Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole dang thing quits.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self distructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Ollie North virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
Nike virus: Just does it.
Sears virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
Jimmy Hoffa virus: Your programs can never be found again.
Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Imelda Marcos virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
George Bush virus: It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.
L.A.P.D. virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
Oral Roberts virus: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

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