Rodney Dangerfield
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said i was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Ellen De Generes
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. she's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is ."
George Carlin
" Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
Steve Martin
" There is one thing . I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another women. i wouldn't stand for that ."
Les Dawson
" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was , it was my own."
Steven Wright
" The stones. i love the stones. i watch them whenever i can. Fred, Barney......."
George Burns
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your Zipper up and finally , you forget to pull if down."
Marty Feldman
" The pen is mightier than the sword , and considerably easier to write with."
Robin Williams
" We has gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter side down, and Cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a Cat and drop it? "
Dave Edison
" I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Steven Wright
" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Woody Allen
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead."