some random jokes

Magic...

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled,

"How`d you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I`d have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"

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Child support!

Father, "When you go back to your Mom tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she`ll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Daughter, "OK"

Later that night

Daughter, "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I`m now 18, this is the last child support payment he`ll ever have to make to you. Now I`m supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

Mother, "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he`s not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."

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Osama in Heaven

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise. He was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled angrily, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!"

Then Patrick Henry punched Osama in the nose and James Madison kicked him in the groin.

Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans. As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared.

Bin Laden groaned, "This is not what I was promised!"

The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you! What did you think I said?"

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Self-Serving

A Chinese Christian just died and went up to the Heaven. After an angel greeted him, the angel said, "Let me take you down to the Hell before we go inside the Heaven."

Once they were there, the Chinese saw a huge table full of a big feast. However, everybody around the table looked real sad and starving. He asked the angel why.

The angel said, "They only get a pair of 4-foot chopsticks and thus each one of them cannot feed oneself because the chopsticks are too long."

Then, they went back to the Heaven and went inside. Again, the Chinese saw a huge table full of a big feast just like that in the Hell and each person has a pair of 4-foot chopsticks too. However, strangely, everybody around the table looked happy and satisfied.

The angel explained, "Simple, here in Heaven each one feeds another with the chopsticks, unlike those selfish ones down there."

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God is Busy

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.

Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice, "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

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Try to explain women

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

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Dealing with a lawyer

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."