Corporate lingo list

Here is a little clarification of corporate lingo.

• Competitive salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• Join our fast-paced company: We have no time to train you.
• Casual Work Atmosphere: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
• Must be deadline oriented: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• Some overtimes required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• Duties will vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• Must have an eye for detail: We have no quality control.
• Career-minded: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
• Apply in person: If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
• No phone calls please: We’ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
• Problem-solving skills a must: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• Requires team leadership skills: You have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• Good communication skills: Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.
• I am extremely adept at all manner of office organization: I’ve used Microsoft Office.
• I am honest, hardworking and dependable: I pilfer office supplies.
• My pertinent work experience includes: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
• I take pride in my work: I blame others for my mistakes.
• I am personable. I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
• I am extremely professional: I carry a Day-Timer.
• I am adaptable: I’ve changed jobs a lot.
• I am on the go: I’m never at my desk.