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Showing posts with label funny jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny jokes. Show all posts

Sunday, June 24, 2012

My Father run fastest



Three kids are in a schoolyard, bragging about how fast their fathers are.

“My father runs the fastest,” says the first. “He can shoot an arrow, start to run, and he gets there before the arrow!”

“My dad has yours beat,” says the second kid. “He can shoot his gun and get there before the bullet!”

“Sorry, but my pops is the fastest,” says the third kid. “He'’s a civil servant. He gets off work at five and he’'s home by 3:45.”

Are we poisonous?


Two snakes are slithering around one day. One snake suddenly stops and turns to the other.

"Are we poisonous?" he asks.

"No, why?" replies the other.

The first snake says, "'Cause I just bit my tongue!"

Friday, February 10, 2012

Can You Read This?


7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U717, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

HOP3 U C4N  R34D 7H15?.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Where is God?


A School teacher of preschoolers was worried that his student might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understand that the birth of Jesus happened for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand energetically, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a reply. The teacher was totally at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Gold Rush

In a bar, a guy asks the bartender totally stuffed the toilet that tells it with "at the bottom, left and right." The guy goes there, opened the door and there, stunned, he sees the toilet in GOLD! The enjoyment was at its height and the guy decides to package ...
The next day, the drunkard meets one of his friends and he says he shit in the toilet of gold by specifying where the coffee. The boyfriend does not believe too, but decided to go to the bar to check. Comes before the bartender asks: - Where is your gold toilet?
The bartender turned his gaze to the other side of the bar:
- Hey Richard, I found one who shit in your saxophone.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Thank you God



A young boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a true excellent time like I am!"

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Who's Speaking?


John was frantically in love with Kate, but couldn't get up enough nerve to pop the question face to face.

At last he decided to ask over her on the telephone. "Darling! He revealed out, "Will you marry me?"

"Of course, I will, you silly boy," she replied, "Who's speaking?"

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Smartest People on earth


A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Unexpectedly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remain. 

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." 

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

Friday, November 18, 2011

No jobs, no Hopes

When Americans woke up last month, they suddenly realized:
15 years ago they had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope ... Today they have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope....

Friday, November 11, 2011

Old lady and a cop

A little old lady walked up to a cop and said, "I was attacked! I was attacked!"
The cop said, "When?"
She said, "Twenty-three years ago."
The cop said, "What are you telling me now for?"
The little old lady said, "I just like to talk about it once in a while."

Saturday, November 5, 2011

So Did I

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Blonde paint job


A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

What a woman says and what a man hears

This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON, blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Pay in Advance


Aunt Aggie went to see her physician. She complained,
"Doctor, I don't know what to do. You've got to help me; I just can't remember a thing. I've no memory at all. I hear something one minute, and the next minute I forget it. Tell me, what should I do?"
Her doctor replied, "Pay in advance!"

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Mr Fixit

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Good wrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

Friday, September 30, 2011

Run Mister Run

Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a child trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it.
The man calls out, "Let me get that for you." He bounds onto the porch and rings the bell.
"Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run."

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Blessed

"What are you so happy about?" a women asked the ninety eight-year-old man.
"I broke a mirror," he replied.
"But that means seven years of bad luck."
"I know," he said, beaming. "Isn't it wonderful?"

Friday, September 23, 2011

Two in One

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked, "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

Thursday, September 22, 2011

God's name

Mary Ames died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter was quizzing the new arrivals. "Before you may enter, can you tell me God's first name?" he asked.
After thinking a moment, Mary smiled and said, "Andy!"
"Andy?" St. Peter replied. "Where'd you get Andy?"
"We sang it in church all the time: 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.'"

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