My Father run fastest

Three kids are in a schoolyard, bragging about how fast their fathers are.

“My father runs the fastest,” says the first. “He can shoot an arrow, start to run, and he gets there before the arrow!”

“My dad has yours beat,” says the second kid. “He can shoot his gun and get there before the bullet!”

“Sorry, but my pops is the fastest,” says the third kid. “He'’s a civil servant. He gets off work at five and he’'s home by 3:45.”

Heavy Metal

Lady: Is this my train?
Santa Singh: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I meant to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Santa Singh: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

Flee the Flea

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Distant Call

Santa: After buying this new hearing aid, I am able to hear something two blocks away.
Banta: Cool, how much did it cost?
Santa: The time is three past ten.

Mobile bill

Banta: Excuse me... how much is my mobile bill?
Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Banta: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL [Electricity bill :)] my MOBILE BILL.

Democracy?

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

A Wise Man

A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands.

Google Knows everything

Google must be a woman, it knows everything.

No Petrol

Tony: What is the name of your car?
Jane: mmm.. I forgot the name, but it starts with 'T'.
Tony: Oh!!!, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know
start with petrol.

Who said english is easy?

Fill in the blank with YES or NO.
1 .... I dont have brain
2 .... I dont have sense
3 .... I am stupid

Who will get the Diamond?

Q: A precious diamond is kept in a room and three people are allowed to
enter at the same time
1. Superman 2. An intelligent sardarji 3. A dumb sardarji
Who do you think gets the diamond first?
A: The dumb sardarji! Because the other two are fictitious character

Time Out

After a lengthy course on improving computer skills, a teacher finally seemed to get the hang of it. In fact, he admitted in his self-evaluation, "computers have simplified and shortened my life."

funny santa

Musharraf: When I was born, the military fired 51 canons.

Funny Santa: Allas ! all missed the target.

Mixed jokes

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Manager: Sorry, but i can’t give u a job. I don’t need much help.
Job Applicant: That’s all right. In fact I’m just the right person in this case. You see, I won’t be of much help anyway!!

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

Diner: I can’t eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It’s no use. He won’t eat it either.

Diner: You’ll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don’t expect to walk there, do you?

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I’ve still got mine with me!

Man: Officer! There’s a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don’t worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That’s why I say she’s no good!

Mixed jokes

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Manager: Sorry, but i can’t give u a job. I don’t need much help.
Job Applicant: That’s all right. In fact I’m just the right person in this case. You see, I won’t be of much help anyway!!

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

Diner: I can’t eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It’s no use. He won’t eat it either.

Diner: You’ll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don’t expect to walk there, do you?

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I’ve still got mine with me!

Man: Officer! There’s a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don’t worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That’s why I say she’s no good!

Perfect Intelligence

A girl in a book store:
Girl: Do you have a book called "Women- A perfect Intelligence"?
Sales Guy: Ma''am the comic section is on the other side.

Miscellaneous Short Jokes

A person doing self SWOT analysis:
Strength is my wife; weakness is my neighbor’s wife; opportunity is when my neighbor is on tour; threat is when I am on tour.

Something to ponder over seriously.
Never question your wife’s judgment…look whom she married.

Signboard in government office
In the corridor of a government office in India was a signboard reading “Don’t make a noise.” Someone added the following words: “Otherwise we may wake up.”

The Politician and the Robber

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a Well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. Give me your money he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, you can’t do this I’m a politician.

In that case replied the robber, give me my money!